Victories Without The Scale

I’ve been frustrated by the scale. I’m flirting with 215-219lbs. It’s quite annoying. However, I keep trying to remind myself that I’m also focusing on building muscle – but, I’m still disappointed with the scale.

I took a progress pic last week and compared it to just 4 months ago – muscle I am definitely building, there is no question about that. In this pic I’ve lost exactly 11 lbs, but the change in my body composition is ridiculous.


Still, though, I can’t help but to be bummed about the number on the scale. Can I please just see the numbers fall already? Is that too much to ask?

I bought one of those nifty scales that measure body fat, muscle, etc…it has this little handle you hold onto and everything, so it’s a bit more accurate. I realize it’s not the most accurate thing ever, but I think seeing my body fat decrease and muscle mass increase will help me feel better. I’ll eventually go and do the BodPod thing.

I made it through the first two weeks of Jillian’s Body Shred. That was awesome! However, I had to stop Body Shred because realistically I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to do the next workouts – I’m not physically capable yet. So, I went back to Body Revolution on Monday and am giving it 100% (I started with dvds 3 &4)…I’m lifting heavier and modifying less. I feel my muscles growing and that’s kind of amazing. I think I’ll be ready for the gym after this round, though, which is exciting and scary all at the same time. A friend of mine really wants to help train me and that’s sounds like fun, but I’m worried about what he’ll think seeing me workout (which shouldn’t matter at all. He’s a friend, you know? – and I am married LOL) and what others will think about me being in the gym. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m weird like that. I’m going to be selling myself short, though, if I don’t get a gym membership!

Anyway, life’s been pretty good. I’m still kicking ass. Hope you all are finding your happy.



It lurks –
In the dark corner of the crowded room.
Ignored by most – but not by you.
You see the poison slowly oozing from the wound –
Now blanketing the floor.
Panic ignites as the poison creeps closer.
How can they not see it?
How can they not feel it?
How do they escape it?
With their happy faces and boisterous laughs?
You laugh as a defense.
It envelopes your foot.
You try to shake it off.
It binds your legs.
You resist.
It ascends towards your torso –
You start to suffocate.
And you succumb.
And there you are –
Alone in a crowded room,
Full of people who love you,
Yet you need to escape.

*2017 I’m Done Being The Fat Girl*



When you have no actual friends in real life (that you trust with sensitive matters) and you reach out to online friends that you can tell everything to and they ignore you.



What if I showed you who I really am?
What if I shared my darkest thoughts?
What would you say?
What would you do?

Duality exists inside this opaque shell.

Strong and independent,
Yet fragile and needy.

Driven and ambitious,
Yet complacent and content.

Warm and caring,
Yet distant and cold.

Innocent and pure,
Yet vile and stained.

Quiet and reserved,
Yet wild and bold.

What if you really knew me?
What if you knew my darkest thoughts?
What would you say?
What would you do?


This is addiction.

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.


One small flame flickers softly,
Inside a vented box.
Waiting for the day she breaks –
The day she comes and knocks.

And begs the flame to let her in,
To help her escape her mind.
It’ll pull her close, with a warm embrace,
And push her over the line.

The line she drew, so long ago,
That gave her life once more.
The line dividing heaven and hell,
A line she can’t ignore.
One small flame flickers softly,
Inside a vented box.
Waiting for the day she breaks –
The day she comes and knocks.

It is no secret. I am a recovering addict. I have been fully clean and sober for over 3 years, going on 8 from my choice drug. I was a once a week user and after I stopped the choice drug, I only periodically hit a joint or had a drink. I never lost everything, like some addicts. But, I could have. I’m thankful I didn’t. Sometimes I want that escape again. I know what to do when I do and I do it, but you’re never truly free from addiction.  It’s always there, waiting for you to come knocking.


What Are You Eating?

As I said yesterday, I’ve started a new eating program and a new workout program (Jillian’s Body Shred! I am only two workouts in and OUCH. My body is sore!!).

I’m eating [mostly] clean now and I’m eating carbs like a real person . I’m trying to build muscle while I lose fat, so I’m following a 40/40/20 diet. I almost hit my macros yesterday!

Here’s what I’m eating (pretty much every day is the same aside from dinner):

Breakfast (257 Calories):

Coffee with Sugar Free Creamer
Oikos Triple Zero Strawberry Greek Yogurt
3oz lean ham (I use Kentucky Legend Hickory Smoked)

Mid-Morning Snack (1.5 Hours Pre-workout – 340 Calories):

1/2 cup Old Fashioned Oatmeal
1 tsp Honey
1/2 cup 1% fat cottage cheese
3.5 oz chicken

Lunch (Right After My Workout 450 calories):

Atkins Day Break Creamy Chocolate Shake
2 slices Brownberry Multi-Grain Bread
3oz Deli Fresh Chicken (yes, lunch meat. I need convenience)
Romaine Lettuce

Afternoon Snack (250 calories):

Starkist tuna packet
Gala Apple
1/2 cup 1% fat cottage cheese

Dinner (approximately 300-500 calories):

Dinner is where I eat the brunt of my veggies for the day. I try to go lower on the carbs. Dinner is usually about 400 calories. If it’s on the lower end, I might add a late night snack of celery and peanut butter or homemade ranch (from plain greek yogurt if I don’t need too many calories).

I’m trying to stay around 1700 calories a day!

So what are you eating?




It’s a new year and I’ve started Jillian’s Body Shred! It’s a 60 day program that gets increasingly harder every two weeks, like body revolution did,  but this starts out at a harder level. I started with cardio 1 yesterday because I really shouldn’t have started the program until today  (I need my rest day on Thursdays). Anyway, it’s crazy!

I’ve also got my meal plan under control now. I’m eating 40/40/20, with the brunt of my carbs (carbs that don’t come from veggies, if you will) coming 2 hours before and directly after my workout. I’m shooting for approx 1700 calories a day on workout days.

My goal is to lose 40-45lbs this year. I’m starting at 218.2lbs, which is up 2.8lbs from before Christmas, lol. Weigh ins will be on Saturday mornings. I need to take some measurements and before pics today to compare at the end of this new fitness program!

I felt really pretty Saturday night at our New Year’s party. (Edited to remove personal stuff )


Well, here’s to another year working on me. I hope you all have great success with your resolutions and journeys this year!!